I’ve always been someone who is so excited to grow up. Graduating high school, I was so excited to start something new and be done with the past. Graduating college, I was so excited to start my job and be self sufficient. Even each birthday, I’ve been ecstatic for the next year and the new number that was assigned to me. I’ve never complained about growing up and actually meant it (sure, learning to pay all of your bills and having to call your insurance company to understand why random rates go up and fight to get them back down- sucks- but still, it’s a new obstacle and I feel accomplished and a little more free once I am done).
One thing that is starting to freak me entirely out, though, is the amount of gray area that exists in life. I’ve always been (to a fault) a very realistic and matter-of-fact kind of person. I always figured things were black or white. You either did this, or you did that. You either felt this, or your felt that. You do this to achieve that, and then that will happen next. You have two options, A. or B. Pick one and you’ll get that result. Bull Shit. Life is full of unexplainable, frustrating, confusing, irritating and down right ridiculous- gray areas. I know this is well-known information to the world (life is hard- cry about it) but I’m so bothered and upset with it all. I can’t control the gray area. I don’t know how to fix the gray areas. I don’t know what the hell to do with the gray area. Quite frankly, the gray areas scare the shit out of me and give me intense anxiety. Things aren’t easy (duh), but no matter how much control you take of your life, every single thing you do has the possibility of an unforeseen outside being sneaking in and throwing your black and white through a mixing bowl and turning your perfectly pure black and white piles into a million shades of gray.